a mixture of emotions

For the past few weeks I’ve been on a bit of a rollercoaster ride. Of course, I have periods of anxiousness (i.e. situationally-induced, and / or when I cut back on my “as needed” chill pills). And then I have periods of calm (i.e. when life is good to me, and I take my as needed chill pill morning, noon, and night … as my doctor has temporarily allowed).

I know. I’ve written plenty about this in prior posts.

Related to the hard times, I get sad with the idea that a very uncomfortable level of anxiety is something I’m going to have to manage, and only as I learn and master the management techniques — which means changing how my brain somewhat-naturally acts and reacts to certain situations — will my anxiousness be reduced. (It can take a long time to change how the brain acts and reacts, by the way.)

And so I get angry … a “why me” angry. Which when that settles down, becomes simple and nearly constant frustration.

Sometimes I try to write about and share this, and I erase the whole screed thinking, “I’ve said this all before. You have nothing new to contribute, Michael.” And then I think about giving up on blogging about these struggles.

Thankfully, at least for now and because of the ups of my rollercoaster ride, I bounce back.

You see without any prodding, over the past few weeks I’ve had a handful of people privately tell me how much my blogging about my struggles has helped them or a loved one. As I’ve written before, one of the major reasons I blog about Depression and Anxiety is so other sufferers do not have to feel alone.

Check! Success! “Prone to Hope” is achieving its purpose.

I’ve even had someone share that on occasion they’ve asked “What would Michael Dahl do in this situation?”

I can’t tell you how happy, grateful, and fulfilled that one incident made me.  Interactions like that sustain me.

And so, I will keep on keeping on.

And I mean that in many ways. I will keep going to my therapist. I will keep on trying to master the techniques that re-wire the brain so it can settle down the anxious feelings I frequently feel.

And, I will keep blogging … at times trying to find new things to offer … at times just reporting how I am feeling (even if that sounds like something I’ve already said).

Because that’s life: blips of newness and lots of just keeping on keeping on.

You know how you know something, but suddenly that knowing hits you as a realization. Well, that just happened to me after writing this post. Like most chronic illnesses, Anxiety rarely just disappears as an illness. It — like heart disease or diabetes — must be managed over the long haul. I am not certain what this means for me practically. But I know it’s something I have to come to terms with.