Perpetual tiredness and less than sharp reactions to stimuli have become part of my norm. This is the trade-off I’m saddled with to get to experience less Anxiety on a regular basis. That said, for the past several months there’s been less ambient stress in my life.
So I decided to do a one week experiment. With my mental health med doctor’s approval, I am allowed to tinker with one of my meds — I take several — based on how I’m feeling. For even more months than the reduction in ambient stress, I’ve been on a consistent med mix that has allowed me to start most of my days in a decent place — that being no- to low-Anxiety.
Last weekend I decided to start off my day with half the dosage I regularly take of the med I’m allowed to play with. For the first couple days I could tell I was more alert, and I really liked that. But as the days progressed, the Anxiety I felt at the beginning of each day increased. And for the past couple days, I’ve awoken at 2:30 am with my heart racing with every thought that could be blown out of proportion having done so.
The current situation is unsustainable. And so this morning, at 4 am — a regular time for me to wake up because of my regular med mix — I switched back to the prior dosage I’d been taking for months. This will mean a switch back to the tiredness throughout the day and slowed response to stimuli.
I am quite angry.
I am trying not to direct that anger at myself … trying to just be angry at my demon named Anxiety. And then let It go.
But that’s easier said than done.
I guess if there’s one positive take away, it’s that I could probably take the reduced dosage on select days when I really want to be on my game. I’ll ponder that as I stew in tiredness.