How long will it take for me to accept the place where I am at mental health-wise? And by accept, I don’t mean that I won’t stop trying to improve my health. I just mean that I need to stop beating myself up after every slip into Anxiety. Or, when I feel a slip coming on or I’m heading into a situation I know could create one, I will try to prepare myself for the situation better knowing that I face difficulties simply because of who I am right now.
Anyhow, I fear that my posts of late have sounded like a broken record, where I’m rehashing the sadness from the loss of who I once was. Truth be told, there is no one version of who I once was that I loved completely. I’ve struggled with this illness since my early teen years. And each iteration of my identity — variations because of a med change or my brain operating differently because of a major bout with Depression or Anxiety I made it to the other side of — contained good and bad aspects.
And so, am I striving for an amalgamation of the many versions of who I once used to be? Only taking the best parts of each? If so, that’s unrealistic and unfair to me. I could never be that person. The answer may partially be that … but not fully.
Where I am right now is so middling; it’s an amalgamation of the so-so parts of who I used to be. My meds have taken care of the Depression but not the Anxiety at a level I want to accept — even if I eventually have to. My Anxiety is rarely paralyzing, as, for example, It used to be when I suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I fear some situations, but again, not at paralyzing levels (e.g. I used to thrive at and draw energy from speaking to groups; now I have to grin and bear it as I go through mild stage fright).
(An aside, it has been so helpful to see more actors admitting they go through stage fright and yet still manage to come across as pros.)
And so, have I still not found what I’m looking for? Or do I accept who I am and move forward — as frustrating as that may be at times.
I’m stuck. Or optimistically, I’m grappling with loss, but I haven’t made it to the other side yet.
One thing that makes this all so frustrating is the the process of accepting who I am now is taking so long … much longer than it has ever been before. First, it took a considerable amount of time to break out of Depression as I was transitioning from the dominant medication I was taking to the other (nearly three years ago). Then, it took over a year to find the right med cocktail (tweaks to augmenting medications). And then after that … well, that’s where I am right now.
Anyhow, I have to believe that if I feel like what I’m writing is repetitious, others may feel that way about their own emotions as they change meds and / or experience a major bout with Anxiety / Depression.
I want to become less consumed by this sense of loss. I feel like then I can focus on how to work better at developing the good aspects of who I’ve become.
Sound good? Oh well, it does to me right now.
(Note to self: make an appointment with my therapist.)