Tinkering with my meds. FAIL.

I’m really bummed out right now. I’m tense; and my nerves feel like they’re frayed.

I’m also experiencing some mid-level Anxiety.

As I’ve reported many times before, amongst the meds I currently take for my mental health includes a “chill pill” that my mental health med doctor says I have the freedom to take as I see fit. Seeing fit includes everything between not at all to three pills per day. For many, many months I’ve been taking two pills. One at full dosage right away in the morning to start things off right; one cut in half, the first portion of which is taken late in the morning and the other half taken just before I go to bed.

The regularity has meant that if and when I experience Anxiety, it usually happens because I’m facing high external stress or some trigger has set me off. While I don’t like that I am experiencing this Anxiety, it’s the best I’ve been able to achieve in years. So, okay.

But the medication also has its side effects. I often experience foggy brain and tiredness. Because of these side effects, my doctor and I agreed that I could try to stop taking the chill pill sometime after winter was over (I must also contend with Seasonal Affective Disorder), and I had a string of good days. Well, a decent run of good days happened and the meteorological start of summer is about a week away. So this past Friday I decided to stop taking the chill pills.

The day was okay. Some of the fog in my brain lifted, and I was less tired. However, I was also a little on edge. But I thought the “on edge” an acceptable level even if that’s how things would be regularly. However, rather than holding at a certain level of fog, tiredness, and slight anxiousness, a progression toward more of each of these things occurred. Saturday less fog, less tiredness, more Anxiety. And today — Sunday — was more of each again. In fact, as the day went on my irritability and jitteriness as well as the feeling of frayed nerves hit a point of unacceptability. And then I crashed. Depressive thoughts even entered in. I felt and I currently feel as if I am a drain on everything around me.

I decided to take half a chill pill. I’m starting to feel better. Not great, but better. I’ve already decided I’m going to take another half pill tonight. I want to start the workweek off okay.

What I haven’t decided yet is whether tomorrow I’m going to resume the two pills each day, or if I want to test half a pill, three times daily. If I decide the latter, it will only be a temporary resumption, as I know I still want to test less of the chill pill than I’ve been at for the past several months.

As I noted at the get-go of this post, I bummed out. I fear I will have to accept the level of brain fog and tiredness I’ve grown used to over the past several months.

Sad.