Anger at Alright
It’s been too long since I’ve posted last. It hasn’t been for lack of content — I still experience Anxiety on a regular basis. Instead, what would be new content feels, at its best, petty, and, at its worst, like I’m in denial with regards to the level of healing I’ve experienced with my current meds and the useful advice from my therapist and a mental health app I use called “Headspace.”
So here it is: I’m alright. But I’m just alright. And for that reason, I’m angry and have been for quite some time.
Let me begin with a refresher. My current meds have put Depression in my rearview mirror for more than three years now. For that I am extremely thankful. And, the med cocktail also does a decent job in reducing the intensity and frequency of run-ins with Anxiety.
Yes, I have panic attacks now and then. And interactions with basic Anxiety happen on a frequent enough basis to make me frustrated. But the level of fear, pain, and agitation I experience with Anxiety is dramatically reduced. And I’ve learned techniques to acknowledge the Anxiety I face, let it run its course, and then (usually) go on with the rest of my day.
So what am I complaining about?
I want more for myself. But I don’t know if that’s possible.
What do I want? I want fewer run-ins with Anxiety that I have to grin and bear. I want fewer side effects due to the medications I take. I want to feel more normal — whatever that means. And I want to be a bit more like earlier versions of me; that is, I don’t like significant parts of this “new” version that is the result of the major depressive episode I had roughly three and a half years ago.
But when I do the cost-benefit analysis — something anyone taking meds for Depression and/or Anxiety must do — I feel the cost of any changes to my current meds and coping mechanisms I’ve achieved in this iteration of myself are too great and the benefits I’ve achieved are worth too much. In other words, I know and remember the depths I’ve been through. I don’t want to go through a med change when I am, in fact, doing alright.
I guess I just needed to finally vent publicly (on this blog), to acknowledge my frustrations, and get on with life.
Another reason I’m posting today is that I have a hunch what I’m feeling is not unique. Others grappling with Anxiety and Depression likely struggle with the cost-benefit analysis and likely get frustrated with their situation even though they suspect that they must accept where they are and then make the best of it.
Each day I try to make the best of it. And I think I do a pretty good job (something I hope to post more about).
But, again, I think I just needed to vent.