Anger at Alright

 

It’s been too long since I’ve posted last. It hasn’t been for lack of content — I still experience Anxiety on a regular basis. Instead, what would be new content feels, at its best, petty, and, at its worst, like I’m in denial with regards to the level of healing I’ve experienced with my current meds and the useful advice from my therapist and a mental health app I use called “Headspace.”

So here it is: I’m alright. But I’m just alright. And for that reason, I’m angry and have been for quite some time.

Let me begin with a refresher. My current meds have put Depression in my rearview mirror for more than three years now. For that I am extremely thankful. And, the med cocktail also does a decent job in reducing the intensity and frequency of run-ins with Anxiety.

Yes, I have panic attacks now and then. And interactions with basic Anxiety happen on a frequent enough basis to make me frustrated. But the level of fear, pain, and agitation I experience with Anxiety is dramatically reduced. And I’ve learned techniques to acknowledge the Anxiety I face, let it run its course, and then (usually) go on with the rest of my day.

So what am I complaining about?

I want more for myself. But I don’t know if that’s possible.

What do I want? I want fewer run-ins with Anxiety that I have to grin and bear. I want fewer side effects due to the medications I take. I want to feel more normal — whatever that means. And I want to be a bit more like earlier versions of me; that is, I don’t like significant parts of this “new” version that is the result of the major depressive episode I had roughly three and a half years ago.

But when I do the cost-benefit analysis — something anyone taking meds for Depression and/or Anxiety must do — I feel the cost of any changes to my current meds and coping mechanisms I’ve achieved in this iteration of myself are too great and the benefits I’ve achieved are worth too much. In other words, I know and remember the depths I’ve been through. I don’t want to go through a med change when I am, in fact, doing alright.

I guess I just needed to finally vent publicly (on this blog), to acknowledge my frustrations, and get on with life.

Another reason I’m posting today is that I have a hunch what I’m feeling is not unique. Others grappling with Anxiety and Depression likely struggle with the cost-benefit analysis and likely get frustrated with their situation even though they suspect that they must accept where they are and then make the best of it.

Each day I try to make the best of it. And I think I do a pretty good job (something I hope to post more about).

But, again, I think I just needed to vent.

 

3 Comments

  1. Tom S. 7 October 2018 at 5:02 pm

    Venting is good. Not only that, I hear you saying you want the best for yourself. Seems completely reasonable to me.

     
  2. Dorothy H 8 October 2018 at 5:12 pm

    I agree with Tom. What you are stating is very reasonable. You need to take the path that is best for yourself. While others may be fighting these same struggles with some similarities, each person may need to use different tactics to get the best results. Just remember that we are here to listen whenever you need to vent.

     
  3. Tom S. 12 October 2018 at 11:01 pm

    Recently I started meeting with a Spiritual Counselor who has been encouraging me to forgive those people who have hurt me in the past. (some going back thirty or more years). This has helped me unburden myself of resentments that I’ve carried around unknowingly for many years, and that we discovered when I started telling him about the recurring dreams I was having. (the kind that stress you out). Since I started working with this person, some of the old recurring dreams haven’t returned, or are less stressful.

    I just thought I’d mention this in case you might benefit from it.

     

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