(This was going to be an essay on making and using flashcards to remember anti-Anxiety measures. And then it turn into a Sunday. Be on the lookout for a more constructive blog entry in a few days.)
Forgive the choppy writing. My head is not in a good place. I’m fidgety, and my mind is racing. My upper arms and sternum are filled with tension. My head is experiencing a rather low-level and nondescript pain and heaviness.
I’m having yet another Sunday with rising Anxiety and no identifiable reason or trigger, at least that I can find. At first and at home around 1 pm, I just became restless. I couldn’t start anything — no reading, no reflection time, no writing. Unfortunately, I had completed all my tasks earlier in the day — sometimes finishing tasks can be an adequate distraction while giving me a sense of accomplishment. Sadly, I had also finished my garden chores … yesterday.
A little more than a couple hours later, Rebecca returned home. She had completed running errands. I told her I was having a bad time and did not want to drag her down. I told her I needed to go out and not communicate with anyone. (She thought that sounded like a great idea.)
I went to a coffeehouse in Dinkytown. After reading some articles on climate change, I took out my laptop to write about how the articles made me feel, while pondering potential solutions. I got online only to discover that someone else in the shop was using my machine’s IP address. I turned off my wireless, slapped the computer shut, left the place, and took a little walk to daydream. I soon found my way back to my car and then to my neighborhood’s restaurant/coffeehouse, the Finnish Bistro.
My Anxiety levels, briefly, shot through the roof. I had to wait in a long line to order a hot chocolate. That wasn’t bad. What was was the man who had no sense of personal space. He nearly collided with me a number of times as he went from his partner’s side to the pastry case and back again, several times. (I almost started screaming: “Stop! Stop! Stop it!” But instead I just fumed inside.)
When I found a place to sit, I put my headphones on and started to write this decompression-writing. I began by playing the song “Sonho Dourado” by Daniel Lanois, a song that puts me at peace and makes me feel powerful at the same time. I looped the tune no fewer than six times.
A semblance of calm Michael began to escape. I took the song off loop and let the rest of my calming mix play. As I finished the last sentence, Richie Haven’s “Follow” began playing. May the beautiful bass guitar’s sound wash over and soothe me.
As I wrote last week after another Anxiety Sunday ending with my chilling playlist, “Music can be such a powerful elixir.”
I’m gonna listen for awhile more.