The best thing I can do right now is write.
One of the pieces of advice that my therapist gave me for dealing with Anxiety is simply to acknowledge It exists. But the thing is to not see It as in you, but imagine It’s beside you. I try to do this — sometimes successfully — but usually the best thing I can do is write about It as something other than me.
This morning is one of those mornings. You see, on most mornings I must deal with a little Anxiety pointed at the day ahead, but without much effort on my part — so it’s probably my meds — the Anxiety drifts away. For the past few weeks, this has been my interplay with Anxiety. And while it’s wrong to say I like it that way, it is a tolerable existence.
But this morning is different. I don’t know what the trigger was, but my demon named Anxiety struck in what I hope will not become a major way.
Most mornings I experience a little chest tension that sometimes turns into a little irregular breath. But as I said before, It passes within minutes.
This morning the chest tension was more restrictive and my breath — while only perceptible to me — became shallow. It was then that I decided I had to write about the experience. In effect I am trying to write Anxiety out of my body, forcing It to sit beside me, and then tire as It works to re-enter my body. But then the Anxiety jumped to the front of my brain. And that’s when I really got scared. I’ve written many times before about my demon turning my brain into impenetrable cement. Luckily, I started writing just as this was happening.
It’s not gone yet, in fact, It’s moved from the front to the sides of my head — moved, not grown. Quite honestly, I can’t remember feeling that happen before.
Back to the breathing, my chest is no longer tight and my breath has returned to normal.
I’m going to end my writing here, so I can do a few yoga inversions before I begin my work day. I’m hoping the tension on the sides of my head are simply part of a headache because of the Anxiety … but that It has tired of me and drifted away.
Wish me luck.